stupid stuff
2005-02-19

Something amazing - There was a lyger on the Today Show yesterday morning before I left for school. He had all these speckles on his nose and was 12 feet long. If it had been a tyon (Dad's a tiger and Mom's a lion) it would have been a darf. And I thought Napoleon Dynamite from the movie was making this stuff up.

Spencer

before - I know. I know. All I had to do was tell him no. That I couldn't go. I could have. Why didn't I? Why didn't I say something about Chris? How he gave me those roses? I was looking at the whole dozen. I was looking for a chance to get out of whatever Chris was expecting of me. Thats it. Thats totally why I want to go out with him and..and maybe learn something about myself. Although, I should know. I know how I get when I'm with someone I'm attracted too. Its like I transform in to something I'm not. And the problem is..I'm beginning to think its worse than being drunk or on drugs (which are two things I don't do...although, Gordy did get me a little tipsy that one time, but I was in control, really I was). Its like I have to do this. I have to, but I don't know why.

and then - There is just something intoxicating about him. And I can sense it in every aspect of my being. I don't want to feel this way. And I really wish I could say anything, but its like I swallowed my tongue.

And he just stares at me. I feel so dumb around him. I want him to know that I'm witty and interesting, but I can't. I just smile. He smiles back. I don't even know if I'm breathing around him.

You know, its like I'm this volcano around him. An orgasmic volcano. And he doesn't have to do anything at all. Nothing.

This isn't going to last long. I can sense it. His interest in me. I'm going to lose him because I can't compete with this feeling thats taken over me. I'll say something stupid. I will. I always do.